do better

sometimes you wake up & feel the weight before your eyes even open. like the world’s been sitting on your chest all night, daring you to breathe. you ever feel like that? like your body’s moving but your soul’s still on pause? like you’re living on autopilot, trying to remember when you actually felt alive instead of just existing.

it’s easy to say “i’m fine.” we all do it. it’s safer that way. safer than explaining the chaos in your mind, the guilt you carry for not being the best version of yourself, the shame that comes with knowing you could be doing more for yourself, for the people who believe in you, for the ones who ain’t here no more. sometimes the hardest person to forgive is the version of you that stopped trying.

truth is, i been there. staring @ the mirror wondering who the hell’s looking back. wondering when i lost the light in my eyes, when i started treating my potential like a maybe instead of a promise. i’ve hurt people who loved me, i’ve pushed away the ones who saw me clearly, & i’ve called it “protecting my peace” when really i was just scared. scared to grow. scared to fail. scared to admit that i was the reason i couldn’t move forward.

but i’m learning. i’m learning that healing ain’t pretty. it’s not sage & soft music & journal entries. it’s ugly cries. it’s sleepless nights. it’s accountability. it’s breaking the cycles you built to survive. it’s telling yourself you gotta do better & actually meaning it.

better doesn’t mean perfect. it means trying again after you said you wouldn’t. it means calling your people back. it means eating something today. praying even when it feels like no one’s listening. forgiving yourself when you fall short. it means not letting pain turn you bitter. not letting love scare you off. not letting the old you drag you back to the same dark rooms you already escaped.

i’m not who i used to be & thank god for that. i’m still rough around the edges, still figuring out how to love right, still learning how to show up even when i don’t feel like it. but every day i wake up & choose to keep going is a day i’m doing better.

so yeah. i gotta do better. not because i owe it to anyone else, but because i owe it to the kid i used to be. the one who believed i could be something more. the one who just wanted to make it out. the one who still lives somewhere inside me, whispering that i’m not done yet.

& i’m not.

                      -rl

borrowed time/acceptance

i’ve been sitting with the reality that we’re all living on borrowed time. no matter how strong we feel, no matter how much we plan, nothing is truly ours to keep. every heartbeat, every breath, every day—it’s all temporary

for a long time, i resisted that truth. i wanted to believe i had more control than i do. i thought if i worked harder, prayed harder, held on tighter, maybe i could make life stretch further than it was meant to. but no matter what, time slips away. it doesn’t ask for permission. it just keeps moving.

acceptance isn’t easy. there are days i still want to fight it, to demand more time, more certainty, more guarantees. but the more i sit with it, the more i realize that fighting only makes me bitter. acceptance doesn’t erase the fear, it just quiets it enough for me to keep living. it’s choosing to say, if this is what i have, i’ll be present in it.

living on borrowed time changes the way you see things. you stop waiting for someday to love people out loud. you stop holding back what you feel because you’re scared of how it’ll be received. you stop wasting your days trying to prove something to everyone else. instead, you focus on what’s real, connection, presence, honesty.

it makes you look at arguments differently. are they worth carrying if tomorrow isn’t promised? it makes you question what you prioritize, the distractions, the noise, the things that drain you. you start to realize that none of that matters when you measure life by how fragile it really is.

what does matter is how deeply you love. did you forgive? did you show grace? did you live true to yourself? did you spend time with the people who matter most? did you say the words you always held back? did you leave pieces of yourself in a way that someone else could carry when you’re gone?

i don’t know how much time i have, & that used to haunt me. but now i see it differently. the unknown is what makes life urgent, what makes it worth paying attention to. if i knew the end, i’d probably waste more of the middle. not knowing forces me to live now.

so i try. i try to give myself fully to the moments i’m in. i try to tell people i love them while they can still hear it. i try to stop waiting for perfect timing, because perfect timing doesn’t exist. i try to live in a way that, whenever the clock runs out, i’ll know i didn’t hold back the best of me.

that’s what borrowed time has taught me. that the point was never to outlast it. the point is to use it well, to live in it fully, to leave without regret.

-rl

23.

23

man, life’s been a trip. some days i feel like i got it all figured out, other days i’m just tryna make it to the next without losin my head. but that’s the thing… it’s all a process. you grow, you learn, you unlearn, you mess up, you bounce back. i used to think i had to have it all together by now, but truth is none of us really do. we’re just tryna find our way, piece by piece.

love’s taught me a lot. about others, but mostly about myself. i’ve learned how to show up for people, but also how to show up for me. that part was hard. it’s easy to give everything you got to others & leave yourself on empty, but nah… this year, i’ve been learning to pour back in. fill my own cup first. speak kind to myself. give myself room to grow, to mess up, to be human. ’cause i deserve that kind of love too.

faith’s been my anchor. i ain’t perfect with it, but God been holdin me down in ways i can’t even explain. even when i didn’t have the words, or the answers, or the strength, i was still covered. & that means everything to me. i’ve learned to let go a little more, trust a little deeper, believe that what’s meant for me won’t miss. life hits different when you stop fightin the process & start trusting it.

this year, i’ve been moving with more gratitude. for real. for the people in my life. the ones who stayed, the ones who kept checkin in, the ones who showed love without a reason. y’all been my light on dark days. if you still here, still ridin with me, i appreciate you more than i say. loyalty like that don’t go unnoticed, fr.

i don’t know everything. still figuring out who i’m tryna be, what i wanna build, where i wanna go. but i know i’m on the right path. & i know there’s so much more to come. the goals, the dreams, the love, the peace—it’s all comin. i feel it. i’m not in a rush, but i’m locked in. one step @ a time. just tryna stay present & let life unfold how it’s meant to.

so here’s to 23. to still being here. to everything i’ve survived. to everything i’m walking toward. i’m grateful. i’m growing. i’m healing. & i’m celebrating—me, life, love, all of it. thank you for rockin with me. thank you for seeing me. we just gettin started.

con paz.

there’s something powerful about choosing peace. especially when it would be easier to stay angry, hold on, or fight to be understood. but not everything deserves that kind of energy. not every ending needs to be battled. sometimes, the most freeing thing we can do is let go, con paz.

letting go does not mean giving up. it means recognizing what no longer serves us. it means trusting that walking away can be just as sacred as staying. it is the decision to stop replaying the past, to stop searching for meaning in places where meaning has already left, to stop shrinking ourselves to fit into something that no longer holds us with care.

there is grace in acceptance.

grace in saying, this hurts, but it is over.

grace in refusing to carry what was never ours to hold forever.

peace is not loud. it does not show up with applause. it comes softly, like a breath we forgot we needed. it settles into the parts of us that once carried too much. it reminds us we do not need to explain everything to everyone. we do not need to justify our healing.

this is not about pretending it did not matter.

it mattered.

it changed us.

but growth means honoring what was without letting it control what comes next.

the future deserves a lighter version of us. one that is not stuck in survival. not tied to old stories. not waiting to be chosen. the future deserves a soul that is rested. eyes that are forward. a heart that is clear.

to anyone carrying more than they should,

to anyone afraid to release what is already gone,

this is the reminder:

you are allowed to let go without needing closure.

you are allowed to protect your peace without guilt.

you are allowed to walk away without bitterness in your chest.

because peace is not something we find by chance. it is something we choose on purpose.

& every step forward gets lighter when peace is what we are walking toward

con paz.

.

-rl.

nothing without who you used to be

you are not who you used to be, & that’s a good thing

maybe you’ve been feeling it too

that quiet shift in your spirit

that discomfort in the places you used to find peace

the way certain people or habits just don’t feel right anymore

it’s not a bad thing

it’s growth

& i want you to know it’s okay to outgrow versions of yourself that were built for survival, not for living

you don’t have to apologize for not being the same anymore

you don’t owe anyone consistency in your suffering

you’re allowed to evolve

that old version of you

the one that always said yes when you wanted to say no

the one who kept giving even when your soul was tired

the one who watered dead gardens hoping they’d bloom

you don’t have to be them anymore

you don’t have to keep shrinking yourself to make other people feel comfortable

you don’t have to carry guilt for choosing peace

you don’t have to defend your healing to people who benefited from your brokenness

i know it’s hard

letting go of your past self means letting go of people who only knew how to love that version of you

but you’re not responsible for making others understand your growth

you are responsible for choosing yourself

for protecting your peace, your heart, your energy

for standing in the truth of who you’re becoming

even if it makes others uncomfortable

some won’t understand why you’ve changed

some will try to pull you back into the old patterns, the old cycles, the old you

but you’re not there anymore

you’ve done the work, or maybe you’re just starting

either way, it’s enough

you’re allowed to say

“that used to be me, but it’s not me anymore”

this isn’t about pretending to be perfect

it’s about finally being real

being honest with yourself about what hurts, what heals, what you want, & what you no longer accept

i’m not writing this because i’ve figured it all out

i’m writing this because i’ve been there

& i want you to know you’re not alone

you’re not wrong for changing

you’re growing

& growth is loud @ first, but eventually it turns into peace

so if no one’s told you lately

i’m proud of you

for shifting

for showing up, again & again, for yourself

keep going

you’re becoming someone worth protecting

& it’s okay if not everyone gets to come with you

rl.